Am I Enough?

It’s a bit clichΓ© to do a post before the year ends, but who cares – I’m doing it anyway.

This particular statement has been rolling around in my head for some time, but hasn’t had the time to properly stretch it out. I hope I’ll do it some justice and be able to explain it in detail.

Where am I going with this? Ever since I found out a human being is growing inside me, I was not only ecstatic about her presence in our lives, but my fears have increased as well. There are so many deranged, scary, disgusting and just so much negativity going on in this world right now, I can’t list them one by one on how I fear it was/will/may affect my child.

But the worst thing? I’m afraid I am not doing enough for her. Have I prepared for her future ‘right’? How will I lead her to become strong, confident and independent? Will she love music as much as her parents does? Are the foods I’m giving her nutritional enough? And even this (yes this was said to me) – am I holding her right?

Societal standards have become so high now that everything is ‘transparent’ through what you share on social media, what people think they know, and their need to express their thoughts. It’s as bizarre as it is disturbing.

This doesn’t just apply for us ‘mothers’, but for each and every ‘role’ that has been created to brand ourselves – wife, husband, daughter, friend.

I follow a few of these ‘quote’ pages on Instagram – one of the reasons that I do is to uplift my mood wherever it may be on the scale for that day. I consider myself lucky if I may, that my level of ignorance (or obliviousness) has made me somewhat ‘strong’ (or let’s say ignorant) if there are comments from people (strangers to close family members) that indirectly ‘judge’ me on how I’m doing – especially with motherhood right now. Depending on what kind of day I’m having and my hormones, it usually goes in one ear and comes out the other. To some however, those words may be the tipping point on whether they continue their journey in that ‘role’ or not.

On top of lifting my mood, these pages help me realise that most of their quotes are based on a common theme – loving yourself and believing that you are enough.We are all created with flaws, so we’ll make mistakes. But really, if you’ve given everything you have in becoming the best of you, that is enough. Keep that in mind though, that you need to keep evolving and growing to be the best version of you. If you are, then yes my dears, I/you/we are enough.

Have a safe and Happy New Year!

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Love/Hate Relationship with Time

Referring to my post on how special days are losing it’s novelty, I have another interpretation now that I’ve become a year older – yay.

I might have read this online somewhere or heard it from someone, but I feel that special days to adults may seem daunting compared to when we were children because it may seem like a ‘countdown’.

The older we are, the quicker time passes by hence the fear that we are losing time. Aside from that, due to the rapidness of how time flies we want more of it. I feel like we all have a love/hate relationship with time. Why? We want the days to go by quicker so that we can come home after a long day, or to see our kids after they’ve finished school, or even the countdown for your wedding/honeymoon.

On the other hand, we want it to be as slow as it can so that each second is cherished and ensure that we’re prepared for what is to happen in the next. As an example, I’m becoming one of those sentimental mums where I want the little one to grow quicker yet not at the same time. Funny huh?

My message is the same – never take what has been given to you for granted. The life you’re living, the blessings you’ve been given, everything.I try to remind myself of this everyday; the husband does too when my hormones are acting up (lol).

Well, next thing you know it’s Christmas…

My treasures

4 Months Later…

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long absence, as you know the little one occupies 90% of my time – the rest is for the husband and house chores.

How is motherhood for me so far? I won’t sugarcoat anything so here it is… Tiring. Not in the negative sense, but it does have a physical effect on you (looking at you mothers-to-be) especially if you opt to go ahead without any hired assistance.

Other than the tiring part, it’s been an adventure. I’m blessed with a not-so-fussy baby, only complaining when hungry, sleepy, or pooping. Along with her growth, boredom makes her moody too *surprise*.

She’s a wonderful, curious little thing. As her senses become sharper, mummy becomes even more tired as she wants to play more, be picked up more, held more and just more. With these ‘more’s however, I am also rewarded with something as well.

Smiles, giggles, laughter. Being recognized as someone she can depend on (mostly for food right now) and a shoulder to cry on (literally). A thing she can bite or suck on while her teeth may start growing and excitement when given her baths.

With that in mind, I am thankful everyday for this life that has been given to me, regardless of my tiredness, aching back and weak knees (at 27!). So far so good, no breakdowns or sudden cryings even though I’ve experienced the projectile pooping and vomiting.

Off to sleep now πŸ™‚

I Wasn’t Prepared For…

Everything.

Of course, the husband and I tried to ‘prepare’ the arrival of our little one by decorating her room, buying the necessities she’d need, buying what we need to make sure we had assistance as we had opted to not seek professional help (i.e. nanny) for now. However, there were a few things I wasn’t prepared for.

  • Sleep Deprived:Β those who knew me whilst in my pregnancy stage knows I slept like a bear in hibernation. Welcoming the little one definitely had me going around in circles – luckily her sleeping pattern is now semi established and she sleeps well through the night.
  • Fear of Failure:Β I had a bit of a scare in her first week – my breast milk was coming out, but she wasn’t latching on properly and thus got dehydrated. It was heartbreaking for me to see her be sick and made me feel like an ignorant mother. Ladies, your support system is everything in situations like these – my husband, parents and friends were so positive and had my back regardless of the tears I shed. Long story short, she’s well and is a milk monster now πŸ˜‰
  • Chores: goodness, where do I begin? If it wasn’t for my parents, my place would look disgustingly horrible. I was quite active prior to giving birth, doing all chores by myself and being ‘independent’ that way. Enter the little one and I sometimes barely have enough time to shower or clean the house (I’d opt for sleep anytime!).
  • Love:Β you know the saying that you’ll love your husband more when you see him interact with your children? This is not fictional, it is factual. Of course I love my little girl more than life now, but your love for the people around you also grows. I appreciate and love my parents more as they’re still taking care of me. I love my husband more as he’s not only given the necessities to bring her into the world, but is willing to spend the time he used to play with his games now with the little one.

Just my top 4 things for now, as the list may be expanded later on. Motherhood, as my colleague said, is tiring yet rewarding. I’m probably still not prepared as to what’s to come in the future, but who is?

Lots of love πŸ˜‰

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Marsh-MELLOW Mood

Have you ever had one of those days where you just didn’t feel like… anything?

Yesterday was one of those days.

Between the waiting, anxiousness and just boredom, I felt empty, moody and snappy (perhaps it’s the hormones?). I tried to hold it in (and worked for a majority of the day) but by the end I felt drained and ready to snap at somebody. Easiest target? The husband (LOL).

Don’t worry, I didn’t snap. I just needed a pair of ears to listen to my worries and silly thoughts, who wouldn’t judge me or give me any ‘feedback’. Just a presence. And that’s what I received, and after 2 minutes I’m back to happy old me again.

I wanted to post this yesterday when all the cloudy swirls in my head was still there, but I thought better of it since I might rant about – everything. Ranting about ‘everything’ will Β be a reflection of how ungrateful I am about what I have and the condition I’m in, hence why I stopped myself.

Yes, I use this blog to pour my thoughts and also views on certain things, but these types of days you just need a person that purely listens. I hope when you’re having these marshmellows, you realize that it’s just one day out of the many you go through to make you reflect and be grateful for your surroundings. And also, choose the right person to pour your heart to – wether it’s a good friend, a partner, or even a stranger to let your emotions free.

Toodles!

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Anxious Anticipation

So I’m at my week-38 now, so the little one should be coming soon. I think.

The hubby and I (and grandma and aunties and uncles) were concerned since the last time we checked, the position she was in was head at the top and feet at the bottom (again) even though the week before that she was in the the ‘ready to go’ position.

Now, it’s all about the waiting game – and it sucks. I’m staying at home, kind of doing nothing and that makes your mind wander.

Will she be okay?

Will I be okay?

How will labour feel like?

Am I going to be a good parent considering… (insert insecurities here)?

And the list of questions goes on and on. My mum came to visit for a couple of days – she has to go back tomorrow since my dad is still sick and couldn’t come visit. She’s helped with shutting up those thoughts as she’s distracted me by being there for me to talk to and telling her own stories.

So yes – anxious anticipation indeed. Don’t be cheeky little one, everybody’s waiting.

 

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Please check out artist (Vickie Wade) by clicking on image πŸ˜‰

 

 

Weight Gain and Body Issues

Hello!

Sorry for the absence – have been preparing for the little one and I couldn’t find a suitable topic that my fingers wanted to explore until this one. So I’m in my final weeks (hitting 35 weeks now) and the weight gain is amazing. I don’t mean that in a positive way, I meant like – 3kgs in 2 weeks. Baby is healthy, and I’m still within the ‘healthy weight gain’ range, but I’ve hit a weight in which I wanted to avoid if possible.

In total, I’ve gained 11kgs – which my obgyn says is very normal (ranges between 10-15kgs) and baby is also growing. Friends have also mentioned that it’s just my stomach that looks ready to burst, but haven’t really gone everywhere else.

Now that is comforting to hear, but you know us ladies – the scale matters. I’ve ‘complained’ and whinged to the hubby as well, but him being him (and wise too) says that it’s normal and as long as I lose it once Alex is here, he’s good. Even my mum (who’s usually vocal on weight gains when one is not pregnant), is quite chill with the weight I’ve gained.

This just made me reflect about once again, the pressure society has brought on to the ladies to the point where everyone around them doesn’t see an issue about their body image, but they’re still feeling the pressure and stressing themselves over it. I mean, we’re pregnant and weight gain is a necessity to ensure that both mum and bub is well, but at the back of our minds it’s such a scary thing as well as we worry about how to lose it, how to look good again, how to become attractive again for our husbands and so on.

The list will be another blog post if I continue.

So ladies, yes it’s hard to turn these thoughts around – especially about this topic. There’s so many demands from not only ourselves, but some people around us regarding our bodies and what is deemed to be attractive. One thing that helps is having a good partner that will support your goals – whether it’s losing the weight together, or supporting your efforts in the journey. Another is to say ‘f*ck you and your standards society’ and make sure your journey in gaining back your confidence about your body is purely based on you, not a third party.

Happy Tuesday!

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This is #33weeks (now at 35!)

Ring-Around-The-Rosey #2

Hi!

Follow up #2 to continue on with our topic. So now, from a male’s perspective. I haven’t had the chance to ask the husband about his thoughts since my hormones seemed to transfer to him whilst he’s sick, so he’s been moody and quiet. So, I’ll try to assume what’s in his brain about this one.

Male Perspective – Why is it important?

  • Ego: again, I think this comes back down to the culture of where you’re at. Just as I mentioned how it’s ‘image’ for ladies, something similar happens for the men as well. They don’t want to be deemed ‘unworthy’ or ‘not able’ when they don’t give this particular jewellery. In addition to that, in some cultures or environment the size of the rock equals… enter thought here.
  • Down Payment: this sounds like they’re buying their partners, but I’ll try to explain. I think in a certain period of time (read: hundreds of years ago), men gives the parents of their partner things like cows, sheep, horses etc. to let them know how much their daughters are worth and as a form of ‘down payment’ prior to the marriage. A similar thought may still linger nowadays, but of course now it’s in the form of jewellery and other costly goods instead of farm animals…
  • Making their girl happy: making us ladies happy isn’t hard. Really, I mean you just have to give us all your time, affection, attention, on top of taking us out on cool dates, give us a ring to bind us and propose at the right time. LOL. Anywho, in regards to this particular topic though, if they love their partner enough to notice the ‘signs’ or to realise when the time is right and what she’s expecting, men will be more than happy to provide all of these as they would think they’re worth it.

Now, this is just my two cents. I probably could elaborate further or more into detail, but I’m afraid that it’ll be boring, too long and frankly Alex is sucking out all of the brain power I have right now. Maybe after birth, brain and capability will increase to normal percentages. πŸ™‚

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Ring-Around-the-Rosey #1

Fun Fact: Once you hit 3rd trimester, all your fingers look like thumbs and you can no longer wear jewellery without fear of it suffocating your finger.

The husband was asked by a colleague about rings the other day. I’m not speculating, but they might be thinking of proposing or at least going in that direction (duh). I’d like to give my two cents in about this, and see it from both male and female views about this sudden ‘tradition’ (I’d like to view it as a trend really) that’s currently up and happening right now.

Female Perspective – Why is it important?

  • Image: OK ladies, I might have to bring you down on this one. This may actually be one of the reasons why you’re expecting your man to go down on one knee. ‘Ooo she got a rock! / OMG look at her she got proposed to!’ and so on and so forth. Social media doesn’t help, as they blast this ‘trend’ out and target us ladies, creating expectations.
  • Expectation: Commencing from the previous point, due to what we see and possibly the people around us, there is a certain ‘standard’ or ‘expectation’ we want to have about this. In addition, in certain cultures it’s actually to fulfil expectation not from you ladies, but it even goes back to your parents (to show that he can), extended family members (to make those ‘aunties’ be quiet) and so on. You know which ethnicity I’m talking about right? 😐
  • A Gesture of Love: I feel like this is the right-est reason you should feel that a proposal is important. Based on the fact that after the months/years you’ve been together, this is a small form of gesture from your significant other that they are serious about your relationship and want to take it to the next level.

I’ll follow through with #2 once my head isn’t so lightheaded – been sick for 12 days isn’t fun. Again, this is just my two cents so if you don’t agree or feel offended… Move along now…

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Positive Energy Does Exist!

So does the opposite πŸ˜‰

A group of friends and I had a weekend trip recently to the quirky yet charming city of Bandung, and we visited a serene location aptly named Wot Batu. Wot interprets to bridge, Batu means rock. That would be the end of my knowledge about this place as the philosophies were quite deep and details – you can check them out hereΒ for more info.

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Taken from @jessicapangastu

Anyway, why does this place relate to the topic I’m writing about? At the end of our tour of the wonderfully zen place, we met with the creator himself – Mr. Sunaryo. In short, he gave a demonstration on how positive and negative energy can affect us. Not just mentally and psychologically, but physically as well.

This had me thinking about certain situations that I’ve been in (we’ve probably all been in actually). When we communicate with another person and they respond positively it makes us feel more refreshed. Some would describe it as making us feel ‘bouncy’ – perhaps quite literally as there’s a spring to our steps. Of course if we do the same in return, our colleagues and friends will feel the same way so it goes both ways.

However, the opposite happens as well and I’ve experienced it more than the positives. Is it because negativity is more impactful than positivity? Maybe. When we have a discussion with someone, talk face to face or even via chat – if we or they respond negatively it makes us want to stop the conversation or perhaps even limit our communication with these people (and vice versa if we’re doing it). For me personally, it takes a toll on me mentally which then makes me feel tired. At times, as someone whom these third parties trust we are suppose to help them get back up and become positive again. But if we ourselves are bombarded by negativity, our positive energy will slowly diminish if we’re not careful and become similarly negative and bitter.

Is that mean? I’m not sure. At a certain point, whomever is giving the negativity will need to realise the impact that they’re causing not only for the person they’re afflicting this to, but to themselves. It will create rifts in relationships, assumptions (these are usually bad), and perhaps even lead to jealousy as negative people tend to look at others who have it better than they do.

I feel I should stop here, since it may lead to other topics I might cover later on. But my intention for this post is – let’s try to exude positive energy as often and as much as we can. It won’t only impact the people we’re giving this to, but ourselves as well. Wouldn’t you be happy if you make other people feel happy? πŸ˜‰

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Taken from here πŸ˜‰